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The volcano edition

The South County Spotlight, Jan 14, 2010

Graphic by Chelsea Tull / The South County Spotlight

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OK, time to PANIC!

Unless we’re mistaken, there is a freaking VOLCANO sprouting up at the apex of St. Helens Street and Columbia Boulevard in St. Helens. Is anybody doing something about this? Since it first appeared a few weeks ago, we’ve seen little to no National Guard presence, which leads us to think this thing is OUT OF CONTROL and the risks it poses to life and limb are going undocumented. Given its volatility, we can expect – at any time and without warning – a hot, molten, skin-scorching eruption to engulf the town and cover it in a blanket of ash-like discontent. Fortunately, we have learned from Hollywood, that wise and ancient teacher, that such spewings can be directed out to sea (or, in this case, the Columbia River) using highway median dividers, and if the heat becomes overwhelming we can always call in Pierce Brosnan, who is fabled to be able to drive a Jeep over liquid lava.

Celebrating tragedy

Nearly 60 people died as a result of the Mt. St. Helens eruption in 1980, so of course it was only fitting that the city commission a mini-representation of it in an attempt to attract tourists. And since it was such a big hit with locals, we got to thinking, why stop there?

Here are some other regional disasters that can be turned into tourist attractions:

• The Vernonia Flood Water Park — Play in the muddy water (while begging park staff for handouts like hotdogs and soda) at this exciting park. But be forewarned, the park will be closed for 364 days out of the year.

• Highway 30 Go Kart Track — This high-speed-only racetrack comes complete with obstacles like darting log trucks, dim lighting and oil spills. And best of all at this track, drinking and driving is encouraged.

• The Boise Nightclub — Out of work because of the local manufacturing industry? Then what better way to celebrate by boogying down at this hotspot? Enjoy $50 glasses of wine, upbeat dance music and a cheap $100 cover charge. Can’t afford it? Then you can always find temp work there cleaning the bathrooms.